It’s no secret that my most life changing moments have been becoming a mom and losing my mom. And so, for the past 3 years, the week leading up to Mother’s Day has been an unpredictable time. At times its been feelings of gratitude mixed with feeling numb. At other times, i’m locked into acknowledging how blessed I was to have been mothered by a very special soul who made our home, our relationship and every space we would step in together a safe space as only she could. These mix of emotions prove yet again that many things at the same time can indeed be true. The thing about loss and grief is you just never know when and how it will show up, and what feelings will surface on each visit.
I absolutely love being a mom. Motherhood gifted me with an indescribable amount of joy and my son is truly my greatest gift. To experience a human being growing inside of you and grow with them as they evolve from one stage of life to the next…for the rest of your life, is something I can’t fully describe. One things for sure, I don’t think we talk enough about how much we also personally grow and change through all the stages of motherhood. What a beautiful gift!
That being said, the bond that my mother and I shared is something that exists with no one else. As much as we’re reminded that death is a part of life, I never imagined having to exist without her. When that day came unexpectedly, I’ve since functioned during celebrations and holidays slightly on emotional cruise control. It’s not that I am not thankful for life and the moments I am fortunate enough to experience with some of the closest people to me…being given many opportunities to belt out laughs and experience life’s highs. It’s just that a chunk of life as I once knew it, no longer exists. In all the things and times my mother prepared me for, living life without her isn’t one of them.
But maybe she did and was preparing me for this very time all along. I just didn’t see it that way. Afterall, she always did say “…regardless of what happens, we always have to keep it moving Kiesh. Live, while you’re alive. Do not get stuck”.
My entire life my mother poured love into our lives and was always there for our family. She made my brother and I feel heard and loved and special and worthy – as shared in our reflection of her. When doctors tried to disregard her urgent call for my dad to get an MRI, because something she couldn’t quite explain wasn’t right, he is alive today because her intuition led her to someone who would listen which led him to emergency brain surgery to remove a blood clot.
She reminded anyone who would listen that where the hyphen ends is unknown. Be kind. Forgive. Live well. Laugh lots. Chase those dreams. Do good for others. Tell people how you feel. Listen to that little voice of intuition. Its our dear friend leading us to what we need. And so she did.
I still remember September 30th. Listening to her pouring into me as only she could. She could hear how tired I was and knew our evening calls were slightly shorter from time to time, while I balanced life as a working-single-mom. She urged me that night to get off the phone and get some rest. But in true Kiesha-mode (yes, I can be pretty stubborn), I stayed on the call while we laughed and talked about all sorts of things. I am so glad that’s the route I opted for, because for us – tomorrow never gifted us the same opportunity. All our cards were placed once again on the table that night. All I love you’s spoken and her perfect reminders of how proud she was of the daughter I was and mom I had become to her only grandchild.
The next call I received would be that she was no longer here.
When my son and I flew home, the first thing I saw on her bedside table was a copy of the book I had written 12 years prior, with the note I had written her on the inside: “Mommy, you make me proud to be your daughter. I love you so much”.
In 2008 while thinking of my relationship with my immediate family, I thought of how much the love that lived in our home fueled me over the years and helped me navigate life’s less than pleasant moments regardless of how far away from home I had moved. One of my fondest “traditions” that began when I was a little girl, was and still is, my loaded Q&A’s with my mom that would begin the moment her car pulled in the driveway. “Mommy, I have a question”, and from there any range of topics would be on the discussion table. These discussions evolved into nightly calls when I moved away from home, often prefaced with the same one liner. And now when I hear my son (who for the record has even more questions than even I did), preface our conversations like this, its like a little wink that life sends me of my favorite moments with my own mom.
Grief, it has been said, is love that has no where to go. And this is so true. There is a love I have for my mom that fills my heart. Makes me smile at the most random moments. Makes tears escape my eyes when I least expect it. And that same love lifts me up when I’m faced with challenges. See, she isn’t physically here, but she’s still here through all the deposits she left in my life during our many years together.
The incredible “blueprint” I witnessed in her many roles as wife, mom, philanthropist, friend to many, and community supporter, makes me know if I am half of the woman she was it will be a great thing. And as I type that, I can hear her say, follow your own path Kiesh, make your own mark. Just keep moving.
So as we celebrate Mother’s Day this weekend, I send e-hugs to all the moms. Moms. Moms who have lost a child. Moms who lost their mom. Moms who mother children they didn’t birth. Moms with a bun or two in the oven. Moms who create mom squads and become extended families for single moms. And every mom standing in the gap in some capacity. I also send virtual hugs to everyone whose moms aren’t physically here. I see you and know that you may or may not feel up to acknowledging the day. You know what? That’s also okay. Sending hugs your way anyway.
My mom taught me so much in not only how she lived her life but also in how she departed this side. Her most powerful lesson: We really don’t have as much time as we think we do. Seize the now.
